xjust_dancex

so i need some advice. this is sam by the way.

I used to watch this movie all the time with Logan a friend of mine that had a love for classic movies. I decided to watch it earlier and it scares me how well I relate to Brick, Newman's character.

Big Daddy: "Then son, why don't you kill yourself?"
Brick: "Because I like to drink."

I remember when I used to laugh at that part. Now I feel sick because I've been wondering the same thing.

On a school related note, if anyone wants a free manicure, let me know. I need some volunteers for my assignment. My only request is that I can take pictures when I'm finished. I need to occupy myself.

[private]
i'm so royally fucked that it isn't even funny. i don't know what to do. everytime i see him around town, my chest aches. and the little moments we have together, the good ones where we're both laughing, i let myself pretend that the last few years didn't happen.

i don't know whats worse. being friendly and having him so close and so fucking smiley but knowing he isn't mine or being a bitch to her because i'm jealous. i know i won't win either way. and just when i think that i can do this, i can be around him without blurting everything out and finally move on, he makes these little comments about how he misses the person i used to be. it makes me want to be her again but for the wrong reasons. i don't know if i need to get away for awhile and deal with this or continue.. what i'm doing. i'm tired of feeling left behind and forgotten while everyone else is getting married, having kids and moving on.

i need someone to talk to. or at the very least a friend. that isn't him. i need to make more of an effort or i'm going to lose my mind.
[private]

So Portage, what's everyone's resolutions for the New Year?

I haven't drank in two days, which is a record, but New Year's is going to mess that up. But I plan to do well in school and stop drinking so much. The hardest part is the following through. Let's see if I can do this.

[Private to Self]
My birthday is on Sunday and I don't have a single person to spend it with. 23 is going to be awesome.

This fucking blows. I don't even want to think about Christmas.
[/Private]

Hey Logan, I need your help with something. In class we're working on waxing and I've always heard that practice makes perfect. So I wanted to know if you could volunteer your eyebrows?

Classes are going well. I finally found something I'm decent at although I do love being a bartender. You never know who you'll catch getting cozy with other women, drinking and smoking while they are suppose to be at home with their family.

I have to say I'm starting to enjoy this public journal thing. So many people in this boring little town airing their dirty laundry.

At this rate, I could get what I really want for Christmas, if not my birthday.

Work was boring. It's been that way since Talia took her leave. What this hick town needs is a huge drunken bar fight. I'm surprised there isn't any already with holier than thou celebs strutting around. I need amusement.

My classes start Monday. I guess I'm excited. I'll have something to distract myself from Logan my underwhelming life. I'm not going to expect too much because every time I have something good in my life, it doesn't last.

Maybe I need an attitude adjustment. I usually find that in the bottom of a bottle. :) I should get right on that.

I don't really know what to say in this thing. It's not like anyone really gives a shit about what I have to say.

Fuck it. December 5th I start part time classes at Regency Beauty Institute in Madison. It's an hour away but I've been working alot lately plus the shifts I took to cover Talia's fairytale honeymoon gave me some extra tips have helped. Don't get too excited. Still drinking. Drinking right now actually! Yeehaw, party on and all that shit. I've given up all hope that I could ever be a professional dancer. Dreaming isn't worth it because you always wake up. I'm so tired.

I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being left behind. His life looks so fucking perfect. A baby. A fucking engagement. I should be happy for him. He's a good guy but I'm jealous. Is that anyone else's first reaction when someone else accomplishes something you haven't? Do you want to do everything in your power to somehow fuck it all up for that person just so you can feel better about yourself? Maybe I'm just a bitch but oh well. This is me. This is who I am. Jealous and spiteful and that's all there is.

I probably should private half of this but I'm seriously done. I'm passed the point of caring anymore. I can't let it go. I'm not so sure if I even want to anymore.

Have a happy Thanksgiving. Hopefully you guys have shit to be thankful for.

I didn't realize that Halloween was literally right around the corner. I have no idea what to dress up as.

I could be totally unoriginal and dig out my cheerleading uniform. Or I could go with...drunken hobo. I'll probably just end up passing out somewhere candy.

( Private )

( Private to Logan )

It seems as though I've hit a bump in the road. I have a two bedroom apartment and am in need of a roommate. My only requirement is that you're at least somewhat hot so I don't completely feel like a loser for needing a little help.

So I lost the whole weekend. Thank you, Mr. Cuervo. I was apparently supposed to close the bar last night. Whoops. I'm afraid to check my messages.

Going back to bed now.

( teacher of the year )


Logan, it was just like old times today. Next time, could you pick a place a little more romantic besides your car?

Oh. And my wrist still hurts. ;)

[Private to Logan]
Let me know when you want to ditch the bitch.